Something is happening..and I am so ready for it.
Listening to: River Flows in You by Yiruma (Bella's Lullaby)
I lost my job on Monday. After the shock began to fade, I started to realize something incredibly possible: God has given me a new opportunity to wholeheartedly pursue my dream.
As most of you know, I recently posted a blog about a yearning in my heart to address the gifts God has given me, and pursue a dream of mine I've had and can not forget since as long as I can remember. I had to believe God let this happen for a reason - that the plan is so far beyond my current circumstances. When I started to see it ..I just began to cry with joy and started praising God for what I hope this new season holds.
I know the news of losing my job was hard on my husband, who has worked so hard to support the house, as well as go to school full-time. Me having another very well-paying job has definitely helped us move towards our goals. Even though he was good at concealing it, I know he was worried. I walked into the room later that day to see him going through the budget on the computer. ....I don't want to be selfish in my endeavor. I just want what God wants. If its what God wants I know God will provide the way, or open another door. I've spent the last fews days looking at this from every angle and can only come to two conclusions: Either this is what God wants for my life - or He is going to teach me that I have nothing to regret, that this wasn't His plan for me and I'll be able to move on with full peace about it and the wondering wont bother me again.
I later talked to my husband about this idea to make sure we were in agreement. I know he is going to school because he is trying to make a better life for us for the future. He would like to be able to provide for the home comfortably so that we can have children and I can stay home with them as they grow - something we both strongly desire. To my honest astonishment, he completely supports me. I was expecting less than that. Not because my husband has this kind of demeaning character - not at all. He is a realist, and I can be quite the daydreamer. I thank God so much for him because he is a very lively man with aspirations, and is very driven. However, he is a bit better at setting goals and reaching them than I have been in the past and he has truly helped me measure these things.
I would be lying if I did not say I am scared. I wonder what the near future is going to be like. I'm not sure how the details are going to work out. I know I have a vision in my mind, but I have to know it may not happen at all like I imagine. I have to lean on God and God alone. Everyday I know I must be in prayer - I must seek His will. Which is much easier said than done. But, if I'm not looking to God completely and try to fashion these grand things in my own hands, I know it will fail. Even if I were to do it that way and they did not fail - I will have missed out on the most important things that God shows us when we remain close to him. I am worried, because this field doesnt have the most pleasant people in it. I've been in it a bit before and only had a taste of some of the hard things about it. That does scare me. I don't want to lose myself in this crazy world I'm going into and I question if God wants me in that situation. Then I remember that Jesus is within me. He is with me everywhere I go and I should not fear man. God can use me there, if I let him and if its His will. Even knowing this truth, at this point, I still waiver between the possibilities...
But I know I have to go towards these mountains and begin climbing them, to really find where God wants to use these gifts He has given me. He is the wind and I am going to run with Him. God protect, provide, prepare and guide me and my family - In Jesus name, Amen.
Endless Thank You to my Da-da Mark, and Momma Mary who have always encouraged and supported my dreams - no matter how extravagant they are!
